Darn it all. I’m feeling all soft and gushy today. Silly boy.

I’m waist deep in learning all this new structure and rationale which my job requires. Unfortunately, I don’t see that what I’m learning will have any value to me once I leave my current gig. Even so, I’m now in sponge mode. I’ve been trying to absorb as quickly as possible, and my most common question is why? Why are things the way they are? Why do I do this and not that? Why would I use this tool at all? What is the value of doing this? Ok, that’s not a why question, but it could be paraphrased as, “Why do this?” A lot of the documentation I’m trying to use answers the basic question of how, but not why. It is so sadly lacking….

I’m glad that I’m in my five year old why mode. I’m itching to do some creative writing, and I’m hoping to develop an idea, but I don’t have anything yet. The creative juices in the cauldron of my mind are simmering, and as time passes, they’re beginning to approach a boil. I have the basics of an idea, but the details escape me, and it’s all about the details, right? Hopefully, asking why in one area of my life will lead me to where I want to be in another, much more fulfilling, area of my life.

Nuff said. I don’t tend to use any client software when I blog, but since I’m testing out this new laptop, I may as well try out a few other new things as well. I kinda like this client already, even though I’ve only been using it for a few seconds. Nice, clean interface it has. Oh yes, indeed. I like how it looks like it was created with my personal blog in mind…. More to come later…

Thinking about it still saddens me. It’s the twinge of an uninvited plucking on a fragile heartstring.

Made some new friends over the weekend. Life is nice when it’s warm and sunny. I feel like writing in fragments and short stilted sentences right now. Times are a-changing in my life. I’m a floater. A roamer. Like a dandelion poof. Floating here and there. Grounded only at the start and the end. It’s go time, but I don’t have enough energy. I need to sleep and to rest more, especially my mind. And so it goes.

Ten years from now, I wonder who, of all the people I know, will still be in my life. I don’t expect my friends and acquaintances to start dying off en masse over the next few years, but I don’t expect them to all be in my regular life either. Looking over the last ten years, so many people have come and gone. I guess it’s true that most often, college friends will be your closest friends over your lifetime. I think someone said that at some point. It’s true of my life still.

When asked, what will people remember, and what will we say about each other? I’m almost certainly not going to care then, but today, at least, I’m a little bit curious. For those friendships that have slowly drifted apart, will we remember the details of the friendship that once brought us close together? Or will it be merely the activities and a few highlights? Or will we think back and know that we used to know each other but struggle to remember how.

What about those friendships that fell apart? What will we remember? How much of the good, and how much of the bad? Any? Thinking back over my distant past, I can remember there were bad times, and I can remember I used to have painful memories, but I can hardly remember what it felt like to live through that pain, even for those individuals I learned to detest or hate. On the other hand, my memories of the good times are tinged golden, but there isn’t much emotion attached to those either. Some provide me with warmth still at least.

Wouldn’t it be grand, though, if those with whom we feel a closeness are still there along with all the new friends we make?

I’m tired. Last night after a fun dinner with an old friend, I went home. Dinner was a nice diversion from the weight bearing down upon me all day, and I had the intention of doing a few things after I got home, but the closer I got, the less I wanted to do anything, so I chose to wallow. It’s been a while since I watched Sassy Girl, so it was time. I still love it.

I think I’m in need of some alone time. I feel Video Girl Ai calling to me as well. There are certain movies/series I like to watch when I’m feeling worn down and fragile, and today I still am. Wounds that never completely healed have recently reopened. It didn’t take much, and I recognize half of it is fully from me being me. Whee.

Ok, so I guess I was in a bad mood today. I didn’t start the day in a bad mood, but I did start tired, so probably I was already predisposed. Booo. Not enjoying biting my tongue. I’m the type to grin and bear it, and then forget it, but not each day. Hrmph. With the sun, it’s dissipated a little, and I suppose it says something that I didn’t realize I was in a bad mood until my mood got better with the appearance of the first ray of light. Not sure what, though.

This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a whimper. -T.S. Eliot-

I imagine it’s probably far more often true than not. Among many others, this quote has been on my mind a fair amount these last few weeks to months, more often very recently. Most books are delimited by chapter headings. Is there any space between chapters? What happens between chapter 6 and chapter 7? If one could peer through a literary microscope at the end of chapter 6, would it be possible to see if there is anything at all between the end of the chapter and the beginning of the next? This is a silly line of thought, I know, but I may soon be in the space between chapters. Well, perhaps I already am, actually.

I think I will soon make some decisions that will finally close this last chapter of my life and help/force me to begin the next. It’s not like the previous chapter is open. It is most definitely not. I’ve already begun writing the next chapter, but it’s unsatisfying, and so I’ve let myself linger over past lines, reading and re-reading them for far too long. I will certainly revisit from time to time still, probably far too frequently, in fact, but that is what I do. I linger far longer than I should, at least emotionally. It’s past time, though. And I suspect no bang is forthcoming, but a whimper … most definitely yes. That would be mine.

I haven’t been very good about blogging lately. In the last two weeks, I’ve only added one entry, and I actually have a few things I want to say. For now, I’ll just talk about my quest to replace my car. It’s not that I don’t adore my Mazda RX-8, with is vanity plate that is so me…. I do. I love it to death, and I fancy that it exactly fits my personality. I’m going to miss it once it’s gone, but I know and accept that I won’t have it forever. It’s already been a good ride. I purchased it in November, 2006, so four years later, it hasn’t given me much grief.

I’ve gone through so many changes these last few months, and though I don’t think these changes are gaining momentum, they are definitely traveling in one direction. I think I’m becoming more of a citizen of the world. I’m more involved rather than detached. Well, I’m still very detached, but in my own way, I’m coming around to think on a more holistic sense. Case in point: I’ve always felt I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, and I’ve had a fabulously wonderful guardian angel protecting me my entire life, and yet in a large sense, I’ve remained in a bubble. I long ago should have left the safety and sanity of this protection and done my part to make this world a better place. Volunteering, thinking and acting ecologically, … I dunno. There must be more, right? I’m doing a little bit of what I can, and it takes constant effort and focus, so I guess it’s not yet part of my DNA, but it’s getting there.

So, back to my car. As much as I love it, a part of me wants to trade it in for a vehicle that is more environmentally sound. My sleek baby uses 92, and I commute so much every week that I literally fill up three times a week. That’s both a waste of gas and money. Well, not waste, but I could be smarter and do better. Ideally, I’d go all-electric, but nothing I’ve explored has had the range I need. It wouldn’t be very smart of me to trade in my car for one that will leave me in danger of being stranded every day unless I religiously charge it. Sadly, the state of all-electric technology has not grown to a level that would fit into my lifestyle. I certainly couldn’t go to LA or Tahoe, or anywhere far, so it couldn’t be anything but a second commuter car, and that’d be worse than having only my one car. I’ve considered the Toyota Prius and the Ford Fusion, but I’m not really interested in jumping on those bandwagons. I may have found a real contender, though. It’s not a gas-electric hybrid, but rather an electric-gas hybrid. The Chevy Volt. I don’t think there’s really too much difference, so it’s actually a very similar band-wagon, but I do like that I can charge up its battery via a 110V source. I just have to see if there are any in my garage …

Once charged beyond a certain point, this car will run on electricity first, then gas after the battery drains down below 35%. That’s not too bad. It could conceivably get me to work on electricity only, then I could recharge at work, then go home using only electricity again, or at least, very little gas. I definitely want to test drive one. Also, I have to admit that I’m more than a little bit interested in it because no one has one. It’s pricy at a $41,000 MSRP, but it just may be worth it.

Another dilemma I have to face though, is if this really is more ecologically sound. Electricy is produced by water, air, fission, and coal, right? I don’t know what percentage is still coal-based, but I think it’s something like 50 or higher. In that case, is going all-electric actually better? It looks like I have some research to do, but for now, I’m a little bit excited about this car.